Budgets and Bills and Brawls

In the past six (almost seven, yay!) years of being married I've learned a few things about money:

1.) In most cases, the woman in the relationship manages the finances

2.) There is almost always a Spender and a Saver in any relationship

3.) Statistically, the top three things that couples argue about are money, sex, and children/homelife

Well...turns out, Brent is the one who manages our finances. Which means he is the Saver between the two of us. Which leads us to number 3....we argue about money...I'll leave it at that. :)

It's been an interesting ride on this subject, so I figured I'd put it out there to others who may find themselves in the same situation as the Spender.

I've never been great with money, even though I've had a job since I was 15. My parents raised my brother, sister and I to work hard for the things we wanted. So, I've always worked. But money has never been a big deal to me. I've never really cared about the amount of my paycheck, but rather, if what I was doing was fulfilling and worth it.

When I got married, I had never functioned with a 'budget' nor had I really thought about putting money away into savings. I just got my paycheck, made sure I had enough for bills, and spent the rest. And then my darling husband entered the picture...

Consider us "Old Fashioned," but we have joint accounts for everything. I see what he makes/spends and he sees what I make/spend. No secrets. When he proposed that we create a budget to see where all of our money was going, I almost laughed. "I don't understand...if we pay the bills on time and have food on the table why do we need to track where every dollar goes?" Joke was on me.

Our current budget has about 20 categories with specific allocations in every category. We try to go through our expenses every week and we track every purchase made. It's time consuming, and almost always ends with a 'discussion' on why certain amounts can't go towards other categories. I don't think we need to 'save' as much as he thinks, and he doesn't think we need to allocate more money towards my 'Beauty' category. (The struggle is real y'all). (There are other categories that I wish had more, but you understand where I'm going with this).

But, although we most definitely fit into the vast majority of couples who argue about finances, I have to hand it to the Saver in this relationship. While I may have dug my heels in many times about why we really couldn't 'afford' to save, it has come full circle and blessed us immensely. The following things have been made possible because of my husband's determination to save...we didn't have to 'pay it off later' or worry about the bills coming in the mail...it was a done deal and the money was just sitting in the bank to be spent:

1.) We were able to buy each other beach cruisers for our anniversary last year

2.) We were able to re-paint and re-carpet our new home 

3.) I can buy birthday/baby gifts for friends and family whenever I need to

4.) We have given to many non-profits at the drop of a hat (because we HAD the money)

5.) We paid for our son to be born at a great facility without worrying about all of the hospital bills that come afterwards (even WITH insurance, those bills add up, QUICK!)

So, I know I'm in the minority of most couples, being a woman that really doesn't have too much concern about money in general, but I am thankful for my partner who does. He is why so many great things have been made possible without worrying how we will pay things off later down the road. 

While we will most likely always butt heads on where money should be allocated, I'm thankful for his forethought and determination to butt heads with me on this. It IS worth it. And someday, when we are 65+, and we have a beautiful retirement looking us in the eye, I will once again turn to him and thank him (and he will rolls his eyes, again). 

Every couple needs a Saver. And I'm convinced that the Spender is there just to keep things entertaining. He knows I'll always find somewhere in the budget to spend that extra penny.You always need spice in a relationship! 

So to you, Brent, our Saver. Thank you. 

Sometimes Becoming a Better Person Requires Some Hard Questions

I think we all are constantly trying to become better people. We want to make our lives better, but in doing so, we also make the lives of the people around us better. Becoming a better person isn't just for us, it's for everyone in the worlds we live in each day. For our friends, our spouses, our children, our churches, our neighbors, our employees, the grocery store clerk...the list goes on.

I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who asked me some tough questions, about herself. It took me off guard, how often does someone become so vulnerable to ask those around them how they can improve, and mean it?

"I would love for you to chew on these questions and let me know your honest opinion on how I can improve," she said with conviction and honesty. It took me by so much surprise, that I am still chewing on this a few days later.

The thing about friendship, I'm uncovering, is that once you finally understand someone; What makes them happy, what makes them tick, what they are saying between the lines, and what bothers them...you ultimately accept and embrace them for their quirks. We love them through it all, because that's friendship. But when they ask for you to point out flaws, it feels like you have to replay all those memories that hit you weird, or that sat funny in your heart. But out of love, you never said anything. Because they are your friend, you love them. Your mind and heart automatically keep it inside to protect them.

When you've seen your friend hurt by words from others or devastated from how someone treated them, (after you sat on the couch and consoled them), the last thing you want to do is bring up how THEY could have been 'better' in those situations.

But, nonetheless, I'm here, still chewing on her questions.

Although I have come up with a few things to discuss with this friend, I cannot help but be self-reflective as well. If we are all always trying to become better people, why aren't we constantly asking close friends questions like these? Why are we so arrogant and independent to think that we can figure it out on our own? Why is it that when a friend comes to me with questions such as this, that I'm so thrown off? If we truly are trying to be better at life, we shouldn't be so afraid to ask...

I think we are afraid to ask because we are afraid of what the responses will be. We hate hearing our flaws. We become defensive and conjure up 5 reasons why we are that way... "well, it all stems back to my childhood when _________ happened," we say. And while our experiences most definitely shape us into who we become as adults, they also are not an excuse to behave in an ill-manner, especially towards others.

So, while I'm chewing on this question posed to me from quite an incredibly vulnerable and inspiring friend, I encourage you (and myself)....maybe it's time to put aside your defenses and find a safe person and ask, "How can I improve in life...in my actions...in my words...in my attitude?" The fact that you are putting aside your fear of what the response may be already makes you a better person in my book!

Let's move forward in life...daily striving to be better people and asking hard questions. This world could use 'better' people.