Momhood Guilt and Shame. Enough is Enough. I appreciate you. We need you.

It's been an embarrassingly long while since I last wrote. Whoops. I'm back.

Through many different situations in my life as of late, I've been surrounded by wonderful, powerful women. I've recently re-entered the workforce and have needed help with our son a few days a week. I went from a working-from-home mom to a working-away-from home mom. BIG CHANGE. Same guilt and shame,

In today's society there is SO much guilt being strewn over women, Moms in particular. A recent commercial circulating around hits the nail on the head. It's a bunch of moms meeting up at a park...from all walks of life. The natural mamas, the nursing mamas, the working moms, the helicopter moms, etc. and they are shaming one another. As I sat and giggled my way through the commercial I couldn't help but be saddened by it's Truth.

I'm amazed at all of you stay-at-home moms. I have been in your shoes the last year and a half. And it was one of the most trying and self-realizing years I've ever had. (and I've only got ONE kiddo). I still wrack my brain at how busy I've been staying at home 'all day doing nothing'. :) It's fulfilling because I'm raising this amazing little boy and I get to tuck him in at nap time, and I get to fold his cute little stained clothes, and I get to clean up the spilled snacks and eggs that he's thrown over the high chair, again...and again, and again. But the underlying Truth is beautiful. I GET to do this. I GET to spend quality time with him. All too often the gift of staying home turns into a bottomless pit of endless, monotonous, to-dos. But it truly is a GIFT.

And working Moms. I've just re-entered the workforce outside of my home and I'm again amazed at you. I'm up late packing the healthiest lunch I can muster from our empty fridge because I forgot to go to the store today. I'm up early trying to make sure he has is pacifier and stuffed dog for nap time, and an extra pair of shorts in case they go play in the water today outside. And around noon I find myself staring off at my desk wondering what adventures he is having...without me. What am I missing out on today?

So to you Stay-at-home Mom:
If you stay at home with your children, you don't 'do much'. Guilt and shame. There are all these new blogs coming out about how PRICELESS that career is. How much WORK goes into that profession. And it's true. But it's sad that we have to have men writing about it and standing up for us women who spend our days up to our elbows in laundry, dirty dishes, and poop. Why can't we lift EACH OTHER up? Thank you for dying to self everyday to give and give and give even more to those babies who adore you. (Even when they are screaming NO because you won't let them keep eating dirt). Thank you for keeping up on your home (at least trying), and for giving hugs and kisses and snuggles. I appreciate you. You are selfless. We need you.

To you Working-Mom:
If you are working Mom, 'you aren't really the one RAISING your child, someone else is'. Guilt and shame. Well I'm here to give you a pat on the back. Thanks for contributing in a different way to society! Thank you for using your other gifts to give back and help make our world a better place in that arena. Thanks for going to bed late to prepare for tomorrow because you love your babies. And for getting up early so you can get yourself and your kids out the door to be to work on time (even skipping a shower and re-applying yesterdays make-up just to look presentable). You are selfless. We need you.

I'm heading back to fold more laundry, do the dishes, and iron my clothes for the office tomorrow. When he wakes up from nap, we are going to play and snuggle and laugh. And tomorrow I'll be at the office. And I think I'm okay with that.

My Part to Play This 'Holiday' Season

Today's post is simple.

In the last several weeks my Facebook feed and television have been bombarded with posts and stories regarding two topics: 1.) Christmas and 2.) Some very controversial decisions being made by our justice system. I've seen all of your posts/feedback/opinions...here are my thoughts....I'm going to get a little John Lennon on you for a moment....stick with me.

 I see this as MY role to play in this chaotic time in our world. When there are supposed to be 'silent nights' and instead we're watching tears and violence and rage and abound. If you want to know my opinion...this is it. I am going to LOVE you. I'm going to LOVE my neighbors. I'm going to LOVE the patient lady who checks me out at Safeway every week. I'm going to LOVE that lady who cut me off in Saturday traffic. I'm going to LOVE those who I may not fully understand....because that is what true LOVE does. And I think a little LOVE can do our hurting world some immense good. Call me an idealist, but it never hurts to try.

(These thoughts didn't originate from me, but rather from one of my most favorite books.)

L.O.V.E

Love is patient....and love is kind.

Love isn't jealous.

Love doesn't boast, nor is it proud, nor is it rude.

Love doesn't demand it's own way.

It's not irritable either...and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It doesn't rejoice about injustice...rather...it rejoices whenever Truth wins out.

Love NEVER gives up.

It NEVER loses faith.

It is ALWAYS hopeful.

Love will never fail.

In light of this holiday season which may not seem too 'cheerful' to many people in our nation right now, I hope I can do my part to exude love. No strings attached...just legitimate, real, love. And I hope I can make someone's Christmas season a little more 'Merry'. I'd 'love' it if you joined me. :) 

Budgets and Bills and Brawls

In the past six (almost seven, yay!) years of being married I've learned a few things about money:

1.) In most cases, the woman in the relationship manages the finances

2.) There is almost always a Spender and a Saver in any relationship

3.) Statistically, the top three things that couples argue about are money, sex, and children/homelife

Well...turns out, Brent is the one who manages our finances. Which means he is the Saver between the two of us. Which leads us to number 3....we argue about money...I'll leave it at that. :)

It's been an interesting ride on this subject, so I figured I'd put it out there to others who may find themselves in the same situation as the Spender.

I've never been great with money, even though I've had a job since I was 15. My parents raised my brother, sister and I to work hard for the things we wanted. So, I've always worked. But money has never been a big deal to me. I've never really cared about the amount of my paycheck, but rather, if what I was doing was fulfilling and worth it.

When I got married, I had never functioned with a 'budget' nor had I really thought about putting money away into savings. I just got my paycheck, made sure I had enough for bills, and spent the rest. And then my darling husband entered the picture...

Consider us "Old Fashioned," but we have joint accounts for everything. I see what he makes/spends and he sees what I make/spend. No secrets. When he proposed that we create a budget to see where all of our money was going, I almost laughed. "I don't understand...if we pay the bills on time and have food on the table why do we need to track where every dollar goes?" Joke was on me.

Our current budget has about 20 categories with specific allocations in every category. We try to go through our expenses every week and we track every purchase made. It's time consuming, and almost always ends with a 'discussion' on why certain amounts can't go towards other categories. I don't think we need to 'save' as much as he thinks, and he doesn't think we need to allocate more money towards my 'Beauty' category. (The struggle is real y'all). (There are other categories that I wish had more, but you understand where I'm going with this).

But, although we most definitely fit into the vast majority of couples who argue about finances, I have to hand it to the Saver in this relationship. While I may have dug my heels in many times about why we really couldn't 'afford' to save, it has come full circle and blessed us immensely. The following things have been made possible because of my husband's determination to save...we didn't have to 'pay it off later' or worry about the bills coming in the mail...it was a done deal and the money was just sitting in the bank to be spent:

1.) We were able to buy each other beach cruisers for our anniversary last year

2.) We were able to re-paint and re-carpet our new home 

3.) I can buy birthday/baby gifts for friends and family whenever I need to

4.) We have given to many non-profits at the drop of a hat (because we HAD the money)

5.) We paid for our son to be born at a great facility without worrying about all of the hospital bills that come afterwards (even WITH insurance, those bills add up, QUICK!)

So, I know I'm in the minority of most couples, being a woman that really doesn't have too much concern about money in general, but I am thankful for my partner who does. He is why so many great things have been made possible without worrying how we will pay things off later down the road. 

While we will most likely always butt heads on where money should be allocated, I'm thankful for his forethought and determination to butt heads with me on this. It IS worth it. And someday, when we are 65+, and we have a beautiful retirement looking us in the eye, I will once again turn to him and thank him (and he will rolls his eyes, again). 

Every couple needs a Saver. And I'm convinced that the Spender is there just to keep things entertaining. He knows I'll always find somewhere in the budget to spend that extra penny.You always need spice in a relationship! 

So to you, Brent, our Saver. Thank you. 

Sometimes Becoming a Better Person Requires Some Hard Questions

I think we all are constantly trying to become better people. We want to make our lives better, but in doing so, we also make the lives of the people around us better. Becoming a better person isn't just for us, it's for everyone in the worlds we live in each day. For our friends, our spouses, our children, our churches, our neighbors, our employees, the grocery store clerk...the list goes on.

I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who asked me some tough questions, about herself. It took me off guard, how often does someone become so vulnerable to ask those around them how they can improve, and mean it?

"I would love for you to chew on these questions and let me know your honest opinion on how I can improve," she said with conviction and honesty. It took me by so much surprise, that I am still chewing on this a few days later.

The thing about friendship, I'm uncovering, is that once you finally understand someone; What makes them happy, what makes them tick, what they are saying between the lines, and what bothers them...you ultimately accept and embrace them for their quirks. We love them through it all, because that's friendship. But when they ask for you to point out flaws, it feels like you have to replay all those memories that hit you weird, or that sat funny in your heart. But out of love, you never said anything. Because they are your friend, you love them. Your mind and heart automatically keep it inside to protect them.

When you've seen your friend hurt by words from others or devastated from how someone treated them, (after you sat on the couch and consoled them), the last thing you want to do is bring up how THEY could have been 'better' in those situations.

But, nonetheless, I'm here, still chewing on her questions.

Although I have come up with a few things to discuss with this friend, I cannot help but be self-reflective as well. If we are all always trying to become better people, why aren't we constantly asking close friends questions like these? Why are we so arrogant and independent to think that we can figure it out on our own? Why is it that when a friend comes to me with questions such as this, that I'm so thrown off? If we truly are trying to be better at life, we shouldn't be so afraid to ask...

I think we are afraid to ask because we are afraid of what the responses will be. We hate hearing our flaws. We become defensive and conjure up 5 reasons why we are that way... "well, it all stems back to my childhood when _________ happened," we say. And while our experiences most definitely shape us into who we become as adults, they also are not an excuse to behave in an ill-manner, especially towards others.

So, while I'm chewing on this question posed to me from quite an incredibly vulnerable and inspiring friend, I encourage you (and myself)....maybe it's time to put aside your defenses and find a safe person and ask, "How can I improve in life...in my actions...in my words...in my attitude?" The fact that you are putting aside your fear of what the response may be already makes you a better person in my book!

Let's move forward in life...daily striving to be better people and asking hard questions. This world could use 'better' people.

What Motherhood looks like 30 years later...

I've only just begun my journey as a mother...

Triston is still so young and has just started standing on his own. I don't quite relate to my friends' posts about how chaotic and busy life can be with toddlers and school-aged kiddos. Because, for right now, a pack'n'play is all I need to find solace and a bit of time to cook dinner without too much distraction. (And I'm grateful for this stage!)

But over the last month I've had the privilege to see what motherhood looks like 30 years into it. And it's beautiful and sweet and memorable.

We recently went back home for a week to see my husband's family for a family reunion. With ALL of the family. I'm one of the lucky ones who absolutely adores her in-laws. I couldn't wait to spend time with my extended family.

Brent's mom was the blue ribbon mom during his childhood years. She was there for her THREE boys all throughout their lives. When they were young (and busy bodies) she made up adventures, and songs, and bible verse rhymes to keep them occupied. She dressed them to a tee and they were always the cutest and most well-behaved boys. She had them try out every sport to see which ones they preferred and even had them take piano lessons (which my mom did too, and I will do as well!). All the while, she maintained her own womanhood and independence. WOW! She is something fierce.

Well, after 30 years of motherhood under her belt, I got to watch her bask in the beauty of having all her boys back together again. They are scattered around the WORLD right now and I loved watching her joy and exuberance while she spent time with them. Whether it was playing games after dinner, when I knew she was tired and ready for bed, or making them all lunch and packing snacks for them for the day....she is STILL a mother. She still puts her boys before herself. It's a beautiful thing to behold.

I know many women may feel a bit of territorial awkwardness if their mother-in-law were to pack a sandwich for their husband....but the truth is...now that I have a son, I get it completely. I will ALWAYS take care of my boy. I will pack his lunch when he is 30, even if he is married, because he is my son. I will always take care of my boy. Well done mama Pauly...you did well. You are STILL a good mom.

And on to my sweet mother.

She recently came out to Arizona to help us move into our new home. There was a LOT of painting to be done and she came just for that. She showed up in work clothes and basically left in them.

The fact that she lives so far from her only grandchild, I can't imagine how much of her wanted to hold Trison all day. To read to him, to go for walks, to take him for a swim or to just snuggle. But no...she was committed to ME. That amazing woman painted for four days straight and even got up early and started without us one morning. My mom came for Me. She put aside her carnal and emotional need to love on Trison all day for her daughter.

I'm not completely selfish so there were moments when her and Triston got to spend time together playing, reading books, eating, and snuggling. But for the most part, my mom came for me and my needs. Because I am her daughter.

I've learned so much in this past year about motherhood, but recently I've enjoyed observing motherhood from a different point of view. Once they are your baby, they will always be your baby. What they need is what you provide.

I'm so grateful that I'm lucky enough to have the family, and in-laws, that I do. I promise that I don't take it lightly. I fully understand and embrace the beautiful 'mothers' I have in my life. I hope to be just like them in 30 years. They've set the bar pretty high.

So today's post is brought to you by Mothers; 30 years later. They are something to be reckoned with. Well done Bonnie and Rose. Well done.

Old Age and New Life...My observations about old people and babies

I just returned home from a trip with my in-laws. Brent and I took Triston to Texas to meet his Great-Grandma for the first time. She turned 93 on Saturday. She currently lives in an assisted living facility with other residents her age.

Upon arriving to the home, Grandma yelped with delight and cried tears of joy upon holding Triston for the first time. Her memory has begun to digress in the last few months and she has a hard time remembering much, but she'd made sure to remind everyone in the home over these past few months that her only Great-Grandson would be coming to visit soon. That was something that her mind would not let her forget. And the day finally arrived.  It was such a sweet moment; placing Triston into her extended, excited arms. As touching as that single moment was, what transpired over the rest of the day was something that will stick with me forever. As the minutes went on, and Triston's belly laughter echoed throughout the halls, an audience began to grow.

One by one, residents would follow that laughter down the hall and around the corner and come to see the new abundant LIFE that had just entered their world. A world that is so often thick with silence, sitting and waiting...for nothing special. But today a baby boy graced their world with laughter and joy. As more and more people emerged out of the woodwork, we had nearly ten people in the sitting room at one point just watching and smiling. I didn't know any of them, but they all felt as though they were Great-Grandparents to Triston. They all wanted to hold him and all of the ladies kissed his cheeks and held his hands. (Everything in me wanted to make sure they were all aware that their germs would certainly get him sick-new mom syndrome- but I held back). Sometimes certain moments are worth him catching a cold; this was one of them.

These older folks just came to LIFE with Triston in the room. They were giggling along with him, singing, clapping, dancing, and cooing and their eyes were lit again. They all discussed their Great-Grankids and their families. And I sat there embracing what one little boy, full of life, can bring to a room full of people who don't have too much to giggle about.

It just opened my eyes to how powerful LIFE is. It encouraged me to never let the child within me to die out. I may not be a squishy cute baby, but I sure as heck can be a giver of LIFE in any room I walk into. What a beautiful thing it would be if I could bring people out of their lonely rooms (literally and figuratively) and out into the 'hall' to join in on all of the fun to be had.

So that's my charge to you. Light up a room like a child. Let people hear and feel the excitement you radiate so they too remember what it feels like to giggle every once in awhile. Because it's pretty phenomenal what a simple giggle can do for the soul.

The Hardest Thing About Running Isn't the Running Part...

A short and sweet thought for the day:

I posted a blog about this several years ago, but I felt like I wanted to put it out there again. It's a valuable lesson to those of you who have a hard time getting out the door and to the gym.

I'm a runner. I am one of 'those' who truly does enjoy running. I like the pavement under my feet, breathing to the rhythm of my music blaring in my ears and forgetting all about what's happened in my day or what is to come, and just GOING. Whether it be three miles or seven. But I found a secret a few years ago that continually proves itself reliable time and time again. Putting on my running shoes.

If I can get in my running outfit, slip on my socks and tighten up my laces...I WILL go for a run. I WILL make it happen. There may be a few things that get in my way before going (well these days, it's usually a LOT of things), but once my shoes are on, it's a psychological thing that I don't want to take them off without putting a few miles on them first. Even if it's the shortest run ever and I didn't quite get in what I wanted, I at least made it happen. And I'm proud of that.

So, with that said. Find a time in the day that you may be able to get a run in, put your shoes and clothes on, and see how it plays out. The hardest thing about running is putting on your shoes...lace em up tight and go git er done!